Tuesday, March 13, 2007

A House-shaped-hole where Whole should be

I just got back from another weekend in Massachusetts not finding a home to buy. I looked at twelve of them. None were right, and I even checked with my realtor and my best childhood friend (who comes around and looks with me at houses). I asked them if I am being too picky, or if, in fact, the right house really wasn't there. Everyone agrees -- it isn't there yet.

I struggle to find some gratitude in any of this. I am working this Lent to be thankful each day. To look for the hidden blessings. On this one I had to pray a stupid prayer "Lord, I cannot see anything good in this weekend's house hunt, so I have to thank you for the good I am currently unable to see."

But I confess to be having a case of the blues. Where I live does not feel like home anymore. With the exception of a few dear friends who visit, life here seems pretty empty. It is overtime to move on. I need to move to start my new business venture, and every day that I do not, gets me anxious. I need to lose weight. My back is aching from arthritis. It is tax time, a season in which I become neurotically anxious beyond measure..and yadda yadda yada. It's a good thing I am spending time feeling thankful because I sure can come up with a "bitch list" at the drop of a hat.

OKOKOK...time to take my own medicine. Maybe if I let myself be more thankful, my life will have more room for a house in it. Maybe I should ask God to push me in the direction of the right house.

There are lots of wonderful things in my life, lots of wonderful people. And my life has been hard but laced with astounding good fortune. Thank you God for loving this stubborn woman who cannot yet seem to find her way home.


Anonymous Pat Z. said...

Mata, At times like this my mother used to say "It's a long road that has no turning." That seemed to help her get through until the turn in the road finally appeared for her. Kind of like waiting for your ship to come in. You will get there, just be patient and yes thankful.

7:56 PM  
Blogger beth said...

I liked your 'stupid prayer'; I may use it sometime myself.

Keep your eyes open. All my experience - even in house-hunting - has shown me that the minute I truly release it to God, He brings to me what I need. I pray that this will be true for you. I know this is difficult; take courage and know that He knows the plans He has for you...

And start that gratitude list...

10:54 PM  
Blogger Songbird said...

The beauty of all the work you are doing now is that when the right house appears, you will know it. Blessings to you on this journey.

8:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I call EVERYTHING into my life for a reason. And the reason is ALWAYS to enhance my life. I suspect it isn't a house you seek but the enhancement disguised as an idea of a house ;O)

2:43 PM  
Blogger Seeker said...

I loved your post about the house hunting, and I was especially struck by your feeling that where you are now is no longer home. I felt the same thing about my house in Pennsylvania. It was just not home, no matter what I did to try to make it so. I had no choice but to move where my heart told me home would be. And although I am living in a small apartment, it is far more of a home than that house could ever have been even if I had stayed for the rest of my life. G-d truly does know best, if we could just stay out of the way and listen to the promptings!

Best of luck in your search for home!

3:07 PM  

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